The Art of Whore

Two posts in one day!? Is this madness? No dear friends, this is war. The art of said noun in fact. Quite simply, Shady has received some bad news and is feeling a bit down. However, there is a simple remedy concocted from shame and the exploitation of it!

Schadenfreude, my dear friends, Shadenfruede.

Quite simply, today I will be taking the status of a facebook broadcaster and comparing it to Sun-Tzu's The Art of War to properly pinpoint exactly where it went wrong. While this sounds like a particularly tricky, even finicky procedure, do not despair! Because the status in question allows me to broadside it with the equivalent of about 30 tactical warheads of pure, unadulterated ridicule. If you are one to enjoy the killing of a fly with 30 fly swats composed solely of lightning and rage, this should be something you'd want to read.

Here Goes. All names are kept secret. All similarities and likenesses to any other status you may have read are perfunctorily apt and analogous.

Our mysterious facebook "whore", as they have been known since the rise and fall of Myspace in the mid-high school era, posted this status:

"where can i get a new happy place? ive seem to have lost mine..."

Now, this is somewhat related to my previous article. I (or my "internet-self" as I concluded last blog, herein referred to as my iSelf thanks to an infuriating naming revolution of my generation) have no sympathy for this broadcaster. I barely know thee, I barely want to know thee. Don't clog up my news feed with this. But since you asked for it, mysterious stranger, here goes.

I believe the primary purpose of this poorly punctuated post is to garner some attention in what could be a possibly bad time for you. However, over the course of 6 hours since you made this post, there were 0 comments and 0 likes. This makes the post completely unsuccessful in concurrence with it's initial aim. This is further compounded by the posts around yours which have gained far more facebook success then your feeble post. This status' are:

a) This car ride just doesn't end : |

AND a wall post simply stating;

b) dislikes the cold

with each getting 3 "likes" and 1 "like" and 7 comments respectably.

How did your status go so wrong?

Well Sun Tzu is here to help. His Art of War is instantly recognisable and relational. For instance, Sun Tzu states that:

He who knows
Neither self
Nor enemy
Will fail
In every battle.

If you do not know where your happy place has gone, how can you know thyself? How can you succeed? If you post annoying posts to try and gain pity and compliments from your friends, then how could you possibly know your enemy? How can you succeed? Shortly, you don't.

You fail.

This is, of course, assuming your friends are your enemies in this scenario. You must metaphorically defeat them to have them comment on your status! However, I am sure if one were to keep up this incessant abuse of the news feed, it may not be metaphorical much longer.

Sun Tzu goes on to say:

Of old,
The Skilful Warrior
First ensured
His own
Invulnerability;
Then he waited for
The enemy's
Vulnerability.

You see! You have admitted your vulnerability! No wonder you fail, you've been going about things the opposite way! What a goose you are. You've become like a sponge finger, not a mighty warrior! You are meant for cake, not the emotional battlefield!

But it is not all your fault. People must have been adept at noticing the subtle cues to your unhappiness. You went fishing for compliments, but your iFriends must know

Do not swallow
A bait.

For we all know the trap of the compliment fisherman. They will pull you out of the water, scale you of all your compassion and slowly gut you with a knife of such unbridled despair that you feel free to let your inner beliefs (here represented by a carps entrails) go just to make them leave you alone with their self esteem raised just enough that they wish to fish more, while you are left filleted and lonely with your eye-balls a bit protruded and your bowels moved for the experience.

The final comparison for this puzzling fisherman is to strike the final blow, to put the nail in the coffin of your victory and to prove that your way of waging emotional war on those who have no choice but to listen to you is misconceived and wrong.

In War,
Victory should be
Swift.

Six and a half hours after you waged your battle, naming the field of war and warfare components, you have not won. Any victory from here is protracted.

No Nation has ever benefited
From a protracted War.

Thanks Folks,
This has been Shady

**as a side note, after I published this the status was deleted by the person who made it after no-one continued to comment on it. This person does not read this blog. Nor any blogs I do not believe.

***ALSO
goats:
g