The Need

Today is yet another day of nothingness, looking after the dog and watching The Mighty Boosh as recomended by a friend of mine. The show is not as great as I was told, but it isn't terrible, so my bored self continues to watch it as a break from the repeats on Foxtel. The dog is sitting behind the couch to avoid the scorching heat outside the nearby door.



Although today has not been productive or interesting in the slightest, I have quite enjoyed myself. With almost one month left until I start classes at university, I was planning to do something interesting and fun every single day so that I could make the most of my extended holidays, but it seems that I am too lazy to leave the house on most days. This dilemma has both good and bad aspects. On the good side, it allows me to relax and watch television or read, and it keeps me out of the burning sun that awaits me outside the safety of my living rooom; all are things which would please me. On the bad side, an entire day of anything can get really boring, hence the desperate attempt to think of something to post about on this blog.



At the moment I am talking to someone whose girlfriend is in England. This boy has, in the past, shown interest in one of my friends, who has knowingly returned all the flirting and text messages without any intention of taking it further. They are still good friends and, as far as I know, neither of them has ever mentioned to the other that either of them was interested in the past. They talk less now that he is in a relationship, but ever since his girlfriend has been out of the country, he has started to talk and flirt with her more often; she wont admit it, but I can see it as it happens. This sparked two thoughts in my mind. Firstly; my friend should stop flirting with this guy because she is what another friend and I have called 'the backup conversation'. Secondly; I am also someones 'backup conversation', but I also have a few for myself.

In recent weeks I have found that I have been the backup for somebody; something that I have never experienced before. I was quite goo friends with a certain person until we both found ourselves in different relationships. We were basically out of contact until their relationship ended and they began talking to me more and more. I didn't mind this at all because I enjoy being friens with them, but I find myself reverting back to the flirty ways of the past with someone who only wants to speak to me when their love life is in the slow lane. The first time I have ever been angry about someone flirting with me.

Of course, feeling like this made me think about how many 'backups' that I have had over the past few years, and as annoying as it is, it made me feel bad; damn concsious. Through many relationships I have had that one person who is willing to sit back and wait eagerly for me to once again seek out the sweet, nicotine-like source of flirting that I need replaced. Do these people also just need to feel like they are wanted, or is it specific to the person from which they are receiving it? My need to be desired by at least one person at any given time hopes that it is the second one, but the small part of me that could be considered to have the qualities of a good person hopes that it is the first.

So I have simply been thinking about the desire to flirt and feel wanted, and this again leads to another thought of similar nature. In the past two and a half years I have been in four relationships, which doesn't sound like much, but two of them lasted six months, and one of them was three days short of a year; the longest break between any two of these relationships was about one month. Is this just because of the timing of perfect partners that I jumped into all these relationships, or was it irrelevant who each person was, just wanting to have someone to myself?

We all have this need to feel like we are wanted, a member of the blog team for which I occasionally write was discussing his wishes to have any girl want him, but does this result in relationships that were never meant to be? I like to think that all of my relationships were because of the right person turning up at the right time, but I can't know for sure because I know from experience that I often flirt with people that I have no interest in because I like it whent hey flirt back. I guess the times that I ended up in relationships were the times that flirting 'innocently' (when I know that it isn't innocent) ended up with me actually being interested, so without this need for flirty fun, I may not realised who I am interested in.

So I might forever be trapped by my need to talk to the opposite sex, but I will simply enjoy it until I finally get shut down and my confidence crushed. I look forward to it. Thanks for reading.
-Renji